The best birthday cake in the whole world!

Master Chef Australia will be the death of me... that damn show plays on my biggest weakness: perfectionism. I thought making a delicious risotto was good enough, but then they would create these 20 component risottos that set alight spontaneoulsy and the ashes turn into dessert or something. It gave me a serious inferiority complex. AND on top of that, they came out with Junior Master Chef, so then I had to endure 9 year olds creating dishes I couldn't even pronounce. It was all just too much for me, I HAD to up my game, I refuse to be left looking like a peasant chef with my unsalted caramel and homeless gingerbread man.

Beer Box Cake

There's something really nostalgic about those great big slabs of cake you would take to school on your birthday; fighting over who got the last square of chocolate, and who got the ones with the blob of caramel. I haven't had a beer box cake in AGES! Sure, I'd love to be able to whip up a seven tier birthday cake coated in edible gold and modelled on the Burj Al Arab- but it still wouldn't taste as good as the memories of your whole class singing 'Happy Birthday' with icing covered faces.

Made from scratch Trifle

Ah November... shit weather, insane workloads, and the annoying early arrival of cheesy Christmas carols in shopping centres, reminding you that in one short month you will be frantically dashing around to those same carols blowing your hard-earned Christmas bonus.

Our Christmas gatherings have been shrinking as the years go by, and poor dad's designated braai-er and driver duties have been rewarded with less and less of his usual favourites. From great big Christmas lunches with all the fat, sugar and alcohol possible, to diabetic and cholesterol friendly meals paired with a Windhoek Light. One of his old favourites was always trifle, and probably for the exact same reasons, it was always my least favourite. My gran would soak the trifle in gallons of sherry, and my innocent youth taste buds would recoil in terror, and the best part of Christmas lunch would end in a minesweeper-esque game of find the sherry-free jelly. 

So to surprise my trifle-loving dad and my Christmas-loving sister, we has little festive season warm-ups. Nothing store-bought and no short cuts (okay except the jelly), these little trifles are labours of love!

Decadent Custard

Food is filled with memories, and one of my most nostalgic foods is Woolworths fresh custard; I remember eating it from the tub when I was a child, sneaky spoonful after spoonful when no one was looking, when I was a teenager it provided comfort for all ailments and illnesses, and when I was a student it was a favourite surprise to find in a bag of Woolies goodies delivered to the desolate Grahamstown by my loving mother.

Despite all this, I've always felt a tad guilty for never making my own fresh custard. So recently I whipped up my first ever batch, and honest to God it tastes just like Woolworths, it's crazy easy to make, and it evokes all the feel-good memories that should never be separated from your custard experience. 

Milk Tart = Love Tart

Saying the words ‘milk tart’ to an expat Saffa is like saying ‘free trip to Thailand’ to any other normal person; they get that far away look in their eyes, a smile creeps onto their face, and you can see the glisten of tiny tears in their eyes. The first time I ever made a milk tart was as recently as last Christmas, in London (awful I know- who makes their first milk tart outside South Africa??) for my boyfriend’s cousins who we were having Christmas dinner with. Kim’s excitement at the prospect of a good old melk tert was just a tad bit of pressure, and I spent hoooooours trawling the internet for what I hoped would be an executable and excellent recipe. Personally, I’m not a huge fan of milk tart, so I’m never really sure what makes a good one. Turns out, the Christmas one was pretty yummy and ridiculously easy to make. Still, I secretly shared the opinion of the pommy guest who claimed that it’s “quite like a custard, really” with a polite said-inside-her-head “and quite a boring one”. Not to be unpatriotic, but I think she’s spot on, the best way to describe milk tart to a foreigner is as a poor man’s custard!

Right, now before I put you off and you start wondering why you are reading this post at all, let me share with you the ultimate of South African patriotic deliciousness: Amarula milk tart. When requested again to make another milk tart, I just couldn’t bring myself to make a boring, plain, well, milk tart. So I spruced it up a little, and the results have been wonderful! In terms of taste, that first bite gives you a kick you aren’t quite prepared for, but after the second slice I reckon it’ll be really hard to go back to the old version!

This recipe is crazy simple, requires no baking, and can be whipped up pretty quickly. Plus, the best thing is that every time I find myself making a milk tart for someone, it’s just full of love. Maybe I’m overly sentimental, but surprising someone with this milk tart is like taking a sick friend a cup of chicken noodle soup- it’s comforting, nostalgic, and just reminds the receiver that they’re loved. So, no more poor man’s custard, it’s time for the Saffa’s African delicacy, served with a generous portion of ubuntu.

Tres Leches

The name means ‘three milks’, and no, not full cream, semi, and skinned. It makes use of the yummiest of dairy: condensed milk, evaporated milk, full cream milk, and thick luscious cream all soaked up by a vanilla sponge, topped with more deliciously high-fat cream. It’s nowhere near as sweet as it sounds; it has the comfort of milk, but with a hidden layering of flavours from the vanilla and combination of dairies, none of which ever leave you with that sickeningly sweet feeling you associate with condensed milk.

Farewell Part 2- Death by chocolate

How to be truly British

Have you ever seen people dressed up as African warriors or wild animals, parading around for a group of German or otherwise equally amazed and entertained tourists, and you think to yourself, “What a sham!”? We all know that living in South Africa doesn’t mean we all have the Big 5 in the backyard (well everyone except my friend Mary, who literally does have elephants in her garden), and that this ‘wild African experience’ is mostly a tourist trap. In fact, game farms are now so overpriced that most passport-holding South Africans can’t even afford to go them, so pretty much only the tourists get to enjoy ‘unspoiled’ Africa. But I digress...

Oh Eton Mess!

In some past life I am certain that I was mother to two delightful little boys who attended Eton College, and I would lovingly attend their cricket matches in my stylish, but not always practical, Saturday dress and parasol. Being the doting mummy, I would pack them home-baked treats to nibble in the shade after their exertions on the field. But alas! One afternoon an excitable Labrador became entangled in my delicately sequined dress, causing me to fling my picnic basket aside. I managed to lose a high heel in the scuffle, and unfortunately (and most unintentionally) seemed to disturb the cricket match while in pursuit of the shoe-wielding pup. George and William were most upset by my behaviour (did I mention that I quite unknowingly picked up the cricket ball to bargain with the lab?), and I hadn't the heart to tell them that their délicieux pavlova was now ruined. So I served it anyway, and this is how Eton Mess came to be!

Princesses' Tea Cupcakes

Posh, pretty, and perfect- the things princesses are made of! These cupcakes are delicate and light, and are great for a tea party treat without leaving your tea party dress stretched around a engorged stomach. I ensure that these darling little treats will make you feel as special and stylish as Kate, but sadly will not help you to get the Pippa bum. Honestly though, if you had to pick between the bum and these cupcakes, I think it would be a very tough call, and the cupcakes would probably win.

Deconstructed Apple Crumble

One of my favourite things in the whole world; warm, sweet and spicy apples with a cinnamon crumble and fresh whipped cream- double cream in the name of Britain I say! This is the dessert that results in my sister sending me back into the kitchen to make a second batch, and has even been known to lure me to her house in order to get me to make the quick version (stewed apples and ice cream). It is also the dessert I made in an attempt to impress the boyfriend's parents ;)

Silken Hot Chocolate

Quick, easy, and super versatile- make it thick and rich for serious chocolate connoisseurs, or light and delicate for those on diet :) or just eat the ganache as is!

Warning: Eating this will make you very very happy

Ever craved something so ridiculously decadent it's slightly embarrassing to tell anyone? Like a deep fried Mars bar (will have to try one of these while I'm in the UK), or deep fried chips smothered in cheese sauce (quite happy to never try this one thank you very much)?

A few weeks ago I made the queen of all cupcakes; in looks it passes off as pretty and appealing, in theory it is simple and one of man's basic needs... but the lavishness and decadence of it would have your skinny jeans running back to that changing room where you spent 2 hours trying to squeeze into them and not look like a sausage. That said, if this cupcake were an actual queen, it would be a fat little American kid with melted chocolate on her face and crown. It is...... the chocolate and peanut butter cupcake!

If you love peanut butter, you will feel no shame wolfing these down. If you've always feigned shock at the wicked combination of peanut butter and chocolate, you will politely decline a second cupcake only to find yourself returning hours later for a third and fourth. If you're on diet, well, I warn you: this contains butter, cocoa, peanut butter, cream, and loads of sugar- and you won't even care.