Heartache Cake

It's an age old friendship, love and food... They have romantic dates, fights, they rekindle their passion, they laugh, they cry, they exit dramatically, they run back into each other's arms. I once read a book where the daughter makes her mother a so-called heartache cake, and after eating the entire thing, it's supposed to fill some of the hole in your heart.

I think most of us realise that the only thing eating an entire cake can fill is your fat pants. When you really miss someone, and they're far far away, you find comfort in all the deliciousness around you.

"I love this cupcake because it loves me enough to stay here!"

"I love this pizza because every single slice is here with me and none of it has to go away!"

"Chocolate solves everything, if I eat a kilogram of it I'll stop crying."

Then after a little while of this, you reach the 'I want to go out and whip my cleavage out and feel sexy' phase. This is usually because it seems as though your cleavage has been given an extra boost. As you get dressed you realise that it's not the only thing that has filled out, and the attempt to feel sexy leaves you raging against every sweet and savory treat that may have simply looked at you the wrong way. Then comes the trauma:

"NOW he'll never come back because I'm SO fat!"

When you break up with someone, there's the period of not being able to eat because the emptiness overwhelms you. After a while, you reignite your friendship with food, and if ever there was a time to want to believe in heartache cake, it's usually at this point.

I am here to tell you that there IS a heartache cake, and it's better than you ever imagined. It's called a run. That's right. I'm that bitch that's going to tell you that chocolate will not solve your problems.

See the problem with food and love, is that they only go well together when they're both happy to be together. When love is attacking food like Oprah after a juice fast, then food is not so happy. So inevitably, while you'll be loving that triple chocolate mousse cake for the whole 10 minutes it takes to eat it, you're going to spend days cursing it when you realise that it's just made you feel worse. And poor food is left confused and caught in a love-hate relationship.

It's a simple solution. Go for a run. Running has been known to cure uncontrollable crying (if you can run, breath and cry at the same time you're superhuman), it provides a physical heart ache to cover the emotional one, and when you're feeling sorry for yourself, nothing will quite get your ass in gear like feeling everything wobble as you run past cars full of people. After a few days you'll even be brave enough to smirk at these people in that very satisfactory way that says, "You know you feel bad just sitting there while you watch me run, I know you wish you had the commitment I do".

So when you're missing someone and the heartache becomes unbearable, and you really need some love, run to the shop, buy a leeeeeeetle cupcake, run to a friend, share it, and run home. If it weren't for visas and border control, I'd suggest actually running to the person you miss, but I don't want to risk sounding crazy. I've obviously never considered doing that. And if I did, I definitely would get further than the end of my suburb... and of course I wouldn't be stupid enough to try it twice, while wearing non-waterproof mascara, thus looking like a stoned Panda :/