Gordon donates his bollocks to Channel 4

This may be a bit old, forgive me I don’t watch TV very often, but I saw an ad on the BBC Lifestyle channel for Gordon Ramsay’s ‘new’ series, Gordon’s Great Escape. As the ad went on showing Ramsay spontaneously zipping around India on a scooter and delighting in everything he sees and tastes, I thought to myself, what utter crap.

 Gordon Ramsay on holiday- as in relaxed and calm? No screaming, no shouting? No veins about to burst? No egotistical tantrums about a mildly under seasoned risotto? No donkeys? No obviously bland and flavourless food waiting to be improved by the miracle that is Gordon Ramsay? No “Get out! F&%&* off! F&%&* OFF!”? No “You stupid, fat COW”? Seems a tad boring to me... What is he going to do, actually compliment other people’s food? Let someone teach him how to make something perfectly? Come on Gordon... you know no one actually watches you for your soft and sensitive side, right?

It’s no secret that I love Gordon Ramsay; despite his American-style reality show persona, I really do enjoy the chap. He takes pride in his work and knows how to run a great restaurant. And he is just so devilishly sexy (don’t pretend that you don’t think so too)! But I honestly thought of him as a better businessman; he surely knows where his strengths lie in the television arena? Ramsay having a fit about an elaborate plate of potatoes and steak=entertaining, Ramsay making Christmas dinner with his kids=endearing, but Ramsay tasting food and not spitting it out=blah. If I wanted to watch some kind soul and feel all warm and cosy inside, I would watch Jamie Oliver (bless him).

What’s next? Will Nigella ask her film crew to please focus on the shoulders and up? Will her strawberry tart be just delicious, and not a sensual, voluptuous and juicy delight melting in your mouth? And goodness, Heston would only take 10 minutes to make a hamburger, and without a single fizzing, exploding, or evaporating accompaniment in sight. The Cook Yourself Thin girls would all gain 20kgs and wouldn’t be allowed to wear Spanx. The hairy bikers would go for IPL and buy Vespas. Eric Lanlard of Glamour Puds would be replaced by a hairy Greek man. Ridiculous??? Almost as ridiculous as Gordon Ramsay on holiday. I’ll politely avert my eyes until the new season of Hell’s Kitchen starts.